Find a Life Partner
I’ve avoided not to title this piece "How to Find a Life Partner." After all, I'm hardly an authority on telling anyone how to navigate matters of the heart, especially when it comes to finding that special someone. However, I've chosen to delve into this topic because, like many, it's something I've given lots of thought to over the years.
For those interested in well-crafted content on relationships, I would recommend checking out this two-part article by Tim Urban. I'm a big fan of Tim's work, so pardon the bias, but his insights are truly worth a read. Now, let's dive into my ramblings on the subject.
I think it's important to open up discussions about finding a life partner. From a young age (especially in my culture), many of us are ingrained with the notion that one day, we'll tie the knot and start a family. If we follow the conventional life trajectory — growing up, finishing school and going into the workforce — marriage and family often seem like the next logical steps. Considering that we may spend nearly two-thirds of our lives with a life partner, it surprises me how little guidance we receive and how little time we spend on finding the right one.
Think back to our school days. We were encouraged to prioritise academics and achieving good grades. Some parents even enforced strict rules against dating until we reached a certain age or educational milestone. The message was clear: focus on your studies now, and worry about relationships later. Even after years of academic pursuits, the advice remains the same: keep your focus on education, and romance can wait. It seems to me that adults, having navigated their own share of relationship pitfalls, aim to shield us from similar experiences. Of course, some of us may venture into relationships during school or university, parents often view them as fleeting and inconsequential.
Let’s be honest, it's hard to pinpoint the ideal time to start learning about romantic relationships, but one thing I am quite certain: we could all benefit from early guidance on dating, breakups, and married life. Unfortunately, such lessons are rarely integrated into our school curriculum. I think it’s not due to a lack of intent, but perhaps due to the challenge of standardising such personal matters in a larger scale.
The disparity between the significant time we'll spend with a life partner and our limited understanding of relationships strikes me as absurd. Relationships are like investments. Consider this: beyond the 8-12 hours spent at work each day, we spend another 12-16 hours with our partners. Multiply that by the years of marriage, and it becomes a substantial investment of time. I often wish someone had taught this simple wisdom to me at a younger age, say around 10, allowing me to clarify my priorities and explore relationships with more insight and intention.
Over the past few years, I’ve observed so many different scenarios of how my family members and friends have dealt with relationships. Thanks to these observations, I've discovered a guiding principle for myself: seek out individuals who share my core values. These values represent non-negotiable aspects of life that I refuse to compromise on, regardless of circumstances.
Why prioritise life values? When our values align with those of our partner, we can find common ground in navigating challenges and avoid petty arguments.
For example, consider a couple who disagrees on a financial matter, such as whether to buy a house or spend their savings on traveling the world. Both options may seem appealing, but if one partner values freedom and adventure while the other values stability, they may struggle to reach an agreement. As we know, when too many things are non-negotiable, conflicts are bound to arise sooner or later.
Currently, my life values include:
Freedom: the liberty to live life on my terms, unrestricted by societal norms.
Health: prioritising both physical and mental well-being.
Lifelong learning: nurturing curiosity and embracing new experiences.
Family orientation: aspiring to build a loving family unit.
Integrity, transparency, and honesty: fostering trust and authenticity in all interactions.
My husband doesn’t share all of the above values with me. We have differences but we definitely are on the same page for the majority of these values. Yes, disagreements do arise from time to time, but they're much easier to resolve when we share many fundamental values.
My life with my husband hasn't always been smooth. However, whenever our relationship hits a wall, I refer back to my values and I feel a lot easier to either compromise or push it a little over our comfort zone.
